Da. I have drill.

Congradulations, Roman, you just made the list!

I begin today on a happy note. I get to introduce you to the new Johnson Empires and Russian billionaire, Roman Abramovich, who is the first to be inducted into the Johnson Empires list of potential evil-doers. The following story reminds me of a simpler time, when villains could simply buy the biggest something and have the rest of the world consider it as an unspoken threat to humanity. In an age of micro-technology, splinter-cells, viruses and micro-piglets its good to know that someone still thinks bigger is better when it comes to scarring the shit out of everybody. Soon, Abramovich, governor of the sparsely populated Chukotka region in Russia's Far East, will own the world's largest drill.

The acquisition was announced in Moscow this march by Mr. Abramovich's construction firm Infrastruktura. Even the Russian bear of a company can't handle the fabrication of such a huge piece of machinery. But, who better to turn to for behemoth machinery than the Germans. They have a long history of sporting ein steife for the absurdly large. Remember WWII? I don't, but here's a huge Spikehead cannon. Gustav Krupp built this to please his masters or perhaps to compensate for his E.D.

The entire gun with its carriage weighed 1350 metric tons. The complete machine stood 4 stories tall, over 20 feet wide, and 140 feet long. "Dora" required twin parallel railway tracks to run on and about 1000 roadies (still 10% less than the Rolling Stones last tour).

Back to the drill. The German-made drill is 19 meters (63 ft) wide, making it the biggest in the world. It dwarfs its nearest rival, a 15 meter Chinese drill being used for the Yangtze tunnel. Tee-hee. Oh god, it's not often I get to strengthen racial stereotypes, use penis jokes and phallic symbols in one paragraph...oh savor the moment...yes, a little longer...okay. The drill, which will take German firm Herrenknecht AG two years to build will cost 160 million USD.

So what does the Chelsea boss and his cronies plan on doing with the biggest drill the world has ever seen besides making people feel unsafe? Johnson Empires' expert analysts have come up with three likely scenarios.

1) He needs it in the construction of his own Technodrome.

2) Project Vulcan. Ugh...you know, hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world ransom. This, gentlemen of the UN, is the world's most powerful subterranean drill...so powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead into the planet's hot liquid core. Upon detonation every volcano on the planet will erupt.


3) Tunnel to America! Speculation is abound. Russian and British newspaper have all been jabbering about like high-school girls in the locker room. Apparently, some insider has leaked information and he/she/it has gone to the press, "[A Tunnel to America] is one of Putin's dream projects and he has already had secret talks with Washington about it," claimed the insider. "He sees Russia as the hub of the world and want s Europe to transport its goods, as well as his own, across his country to the U.S."

But why indeed? We can only speculate. When asked, Abramovich denied the claims. But Roman is infamous for misleading the public. He once publicly claimed he had no intentions of separating from his wife...right before getting a divorce. Surprise, bitch! Not telling us why he wants the biggest drill in the world, however, has earned him the respect of us here at Empires and secured him a place on our list. The reason Richard Branson isn't on our list isn't because he is not insanely rich and powerful, (he is!) but its because nobody is afraid of a giant hot-air balloon. Except maybe the autistic kid who lives across the street, but in fairness Trevor is also frequently seen eating crayons.

In conclusion, I must issue a warm welcome to our first member and a stern warning to the public: when a chillingly creepy Russian oil tycoon says "screw you," he might just...

Further reading:
Russia Today

Mail Online