I would like to direct our readerbase to this. It displays the kind of attitude that we here at Empires would like to encourage.
http://www.rebas.se/humor/worlddomination.php?lang=en
Keep on trying.
~ed.
31.1.09
18.12.08
When crazy evil meets evil-crazy
I remember once talking to a friend of mine one summer about doing something great with your life. The problem, she reasoned, is that you must possess great capacity of character to become a leader. You must then be superior even among leaders to not become a failure on a grand scale. Take, for example, Ethelred the Unready. Ethelred - or Gay Lord Ethelred as his friends probably call him, some mockingly, some just anaware of what connotations the word "gay" would have in a thousand years - was the king of England. Granted, at that time England was the Dark Age's version of Somolia, but still, being king of the place is quite a feat, right? And just because of a few blunders, all we know about this guy is that he wasn't ready for something.
So, why would any person think that he could become a king whose incompetence is not the stuff of legends, much less a successful evil genius at odds with the world? The answer, my friends, is that the bar is set really, really low. In many cases, being an esteemed leader required you to A) be your father's son and B) not die. This, of course, leads us to our evil leader of the day - Kim Jong-il of North Korea.
Kim Jong-il at an evil genius convention
Whereas many of the entries here will deal with evil dictators and geniuses who have the potential of taking over the world, or at least drilling a hole to the other side of it, this entry will deal with a current world leader who has the potential of not existing. The current world opinion on Kim Jong-il is that he may or may not be alive. How irreplaceable of a leader can you be if the global community can't tell for sure that you didn't die five years ago? Much like the kings of old whose sole contribution to their nation was filling a gap in a line of succession, Kim Jong-il owes his very relevance to his father's success in establishing a functioning state and a strong personality cult. Unlike those kings, who at least managed to keep their countries intact without a big ol' pile of nukes, Kim Jong-il is still in power largely because he has threatened to launch a missile at anything that moves.
A pile of nukes
So, to conclude, Kim Jong-il is a man with a means but no plan. We should, therefore, be on the lookout for a man who actually does have a plan. They will form a formidable team indeed, and must be stopped at all costs. In our educated, wordly, and well researched opinion, this man will be...
Current vice president and soon-to-be-slightly-less-powerful evil genius. Enjoys fucking you over and then reaping the profits. Will soon be looking for a new leader with whom to take over the role of invisible, evil leprechaun who sits on your shoulder and urges you to burn things. Former chairman of the board for Halliburton, the most evil company in existence. His only regret from his time in office is not having killed someone with his bare hands while on national television. Partnered with Kim Jong-il, these two will bring terror to the world, mark my words. So, while we will not induct these two into our exclusive guild just yet, a space has been reserved for the future pairing of Kim-Cheney.
So, why would any person think that he could become a king whose incompetence is not the stuff of legends, much less a successful evil genius at odds with the world? The answer, my friends, is that the bar is set really, really low. In many cases, being an esteemed leader required you to A) be your father's son and B) not die. This, of course, leads us to our evil leader of the day - Kim Jong-il of North Korea.
Kim Jong-il at an evil genius conventionWhereas many of the entries here will deal with evil dictators and geniuses who have the potential of taking over the world, or at least drilling a hole to the other side of it, this entry will deal with a current world leader who has the potential of not existing. The current world opinion on Kim Jong-il is that he may or may not be alive. How irreplaceable of a leader can you be if the global community can't tell for sure that you didn't die five years ago? Much like the kings of old whose sole contribution to their nation was filling a gap in a line of succession, Kim Jong-il owes his very relevance to his father's success in establishing a functioning state and a strong personality cult. Unlike those kings, who at least managed to keep their countries intact without a big ol' pile of nukes, Kim Jong-il is still in power largely because he has threatened to launch a missile at anything that moves.
A pile of nukesDick Cheney.
Dick Cheney, Christmas morning
Current vice president and soon-to-be-slightly-less-powerful evil genius. Enjoys fucking you over and then reaping the profits. Will soon be looking for a new leader with whom to take over the role of invisible, evil leprechaun who sits on your shoulder and urges you to burn things. Former chairman of the board for Halliburton, the most evil company in existence. His only regret from his time in office is not having killed someone with his bare hands while on national television. Partnered with Kim Jong-il, these two will bring terror to the world, mark my words. So, while we will not induct these two into our exclusive guild just yet, a space has been reserved for the future pairing of Kim-Cheney.
17.12.08
Supercollid-er? I just met her!
Forecast for this summer: hot and sunny, slight chance of unspeakable horror.
Enter Dr. Lyn Evans. Back in March, you see, there was an accident at, Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire, or CERN, the group in charge of the various test facilities in question. Dr. Evans, the main brain at CERN, described an explosion that tossed a 20 ton magnet like a cupcake off of its mountings. Evans told the reporters, "There was a hell of a bang, the tunnel housing the machine filled with helium and dust and we had to call in the fire brigade to evacuate the place," he said. "The people working on the test were frightened to death but they were all in a safe place so no-one was hurt." After an investigation, the explosion seemed to be caused by a "math flaw." I guess that few thousand scientists from across the globe decided to play it cool during the exam and have the only working TI-89 plus graphing calculator run out of batteries mid-way through. Evans and company are the same guys telling the normal people who don't have multiple physics degrees not to be "frightened to death" of their giant scientastic crusha-ma-jig. The jovial Welshman shoots down apocolyptic claims from various paranoid scientists in a fashionable way--quite literally, he is so relaxed, he says, that he wears shorts to work.
Further Reading:
Wiki LHC
Dr. Lyn Evans: Destroyer of the World
France Builds a Doomsday Machine
There are only a few things in life which keep me awake at night, the sheets twisted cruelly about my legs and have me lying in a cold sweat, breathing heavily. [omitted -ed]...the other is the Large Hadron Collider lying 
quietly underneath the Swiss-French border. This thing is utterly massive. It is pretty much a demolition derby for sub-atomic particles. There's over 1,200 dipole magnets to make sure the particle beams maintain their trajectory around the 27 km circumferential path. An additional 392 quadrupole magnets focus the beams as well. The real players are the 1,600+ superconductor magnets which weigh up to 27 tonnes each and need to be kept at 1.9 Kelvin (oh, a crisp -456.25 F). This requires some 90 tonnes of liquid helium. How fast does this thing get particle moving? About 99.9999991% the speed of light (what, I gotta convert that for you too? Fine - that's 186,000 miles per second).
quietly underneath the Swiss-French border. This thing is utterly massive. It is pretty much a demolition derby for sub-atomic particles. There's over 1,200 dipole magnets to make sure the particle beams maintain their trajectory around the 27 km circumferential path. An additional 392 quadrupole magnets focus the beams as well. The real players are the 1,600+ superconductor magnets which weigh up to 27 tonnes each and need to be kept at 1.9 Kelvin (oh, a crisp -456.25 F). This requires some 90 tonnes of liquid helium. How fast does this thing get particle moving? About 99.9999991% the speed of light (what, I gotta convert that for you too? Fine - that's 186,000 miles per second).
So why should this make middle America get off their tractors and pay attention to scientists for a change? If the whole facility exploded right now, only a small part of France and Switzerland would be destroyed, which would surely make a great "after the commercial br
eak" story for a slow news day. Well, one of the theoretical results of all this careless atom-smashing lunacy would be a our very own black hole. Slowly, one particle at a time (old school torture-style) , growing exponentially faster, the black hole would begin to pull the magnets, thick concrete walls, and eventually the whole facility deep into oblivion. Next, France and Switzerland, oh no! Then somewhere between 4 and a half to 7 minutes after the lever is pulled, the entire earth from Roosevelt's gaping maw on Mount Rushmore to the obnoxious Pomeranian next door would be crushed into a singularity. Don't like crowded public transportation? You really won't like the singularity. The good news is you will probably burst into a cloud of fluid resulting from the vacuum created, but there's the optimist in me talking. Could this happen? Yes, of course, though the odds are really high for "not going to happen." I'm still scared, we should call a scientist.
eak" story for a slow news day. Well, one of the theoretical results of all this careless atom-smashing lunacy would be a our very own black hole. Slowly, one particle at a time (old school torture-style) , growing exponentially faster, the black hole would begin to pull the magnets, thick concrete walls, and eventually the whole facility deep into oblivion. Next, France and Switzerland, oh no! Then somewhere between 4 and a half to 7 minutes after the lever is pulled, the entire earth from Roosevelt's gaping maw on Mount Rushmore to the obnoxious Pomeranian next door would be crushed into a singularity. Don't like crowded public transportation? You really won't like the singularity. The good news is you will probably burst into a cloud of fluid resulting from the vacuum created, but there's the optimist in me talking. Could this happen? Yes, of course, though the odds are really high for "not going to happen." I'm still scared, we should call a scientist. 
Enter Dr. Lyn Evans. Back in March, you see, there was an accident at, Conseil Européen pour la Recherche Nucléaire, or CERN, the group in charge of the various test facilities in question. Dr. Evans, the main brain at CERN, described an explosion that tossed a 20 ton magnet like a cupcake off of its mountings. Evans told the reporters, "There was a hell of a bang, the tunnel housing the machine filled with helium and dust and we had to call in the fire brigade to evacuate the place," he said. "The people working on the test were frightened to death but they were all in a safe place so no-one was hurt." After an investigation, the explosion seemed to be caused by a "math flaw." I guess that few thousand scientists from across the globe decided to play it cool during the exam and have the only working TI-89 plus graphing calculator run out of batteries mid-way through. Evans and company are the same guys telling the normal people who don't have multiple physics degrees not to be "frightened to death" of their giant scientastic crusha-ma-jig. The jovial Welshman shoots down apocolyptic claims from various paranoid scientists in a fashionable way--quite literally, he is so relaxed, he says, that he wears shorts to work. The LHC is scheduled to be back in business in summer of 2009. So could this 63 year old ruddy-cheeked charmer really bring the world to an end? The likelihood is low, but the threat of annihilation by sub-atomic particle tests is far too intriguing to pass by. We here at Empires really don't care how many Higgins Bosons he finds, we find him officially on our list.
Further Reading:
Wiki LHC
Dr. Lyn Evans: Destroyer of the World
France Builds a Doomsday Machine
15.12.08
Da. I have drill.
Congradulations, Roman, you just made the list!
I begin today on a happy note. I get to introduce you to the new Johnson Empires and Russian billionaire, Roman Abramovich, who is the first to be inducted into the Johnson Empires list of potential evil-doers. The following story reminds me of a simpler time, when villains could simply buy the biggest something and have the rest of the world consider it as an unspoken threat to humanity. In an age of micro-technology, splinter-cells, viruses and micro-piglets its good to know that someone still thinks bigger is better when it comes to scarring the shit out of everybody. Soon, Abramovich, governor of the sparsely populated Chukotka region in Russia's Far East, will own the world's largest drill.
So what does the Chelsea boss and his cronies plan on doing with the biggest drill the world has ever seen besides making people feel unsafe? Johnson Empires' expert analysts have come up with three likely scenarios.
2) Project Vulcan. Ugh...you know, hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world ransom. This, gentlemen of the UN, is the world's most powerful subterranean drill...so powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead into the planet's hot liquid core. Upon detonation every volcano on the planet will erupt.
3) Tunnel to America! Speculation is abound. Russian and British newspaper have all been jabbering about like high-school girls in the locker room. Apparently, some insider has leaked information and he/she/it has gone to the press, "[A Tunnel to America] is one of Putin's dream projects and he has already had secret talks with Washington about it," claimed the insider. "He sees Russia as the hub of the world and want s Europe to transport its goods, as well as his own, across his country to the U.S."
But why indeed? We can only speculate. When asked, Abramovich denied the claims. But Roman is infamous for misleading the public. He once publicly claimed he had no intentions of separating from his wife...right before getting a divorce. Surprise, bitch! Not telling us why he wants the biggest drill in the world, however, has earned him the respect of us here at Empires and secured him a place on our list. The reason Richard Branson isn't on our list isn't because he is not insanely rich and powerful, (he is!) but its because nobody is afraid of a giant hot-air balloon. Except maybe the autistic kid who lives across the street, but in fairness Trevor is also frequently seen eating crayons.
In conclusion, I must issue a warm welcome to our first member and a stern warning to the public: when a chillingly creepy Russian oil tycoon says "screw you," he might just...
Further reading:
Russia Today
I begin today on a happy note. I get to introduce you to the new Johnson Empires and Russian billionaire, Roman Abramovich, who is the first to be inducted into the Johnson Empires list of potential evil-doers. The following story reminds me of a simpler time, when villains could simply buy the biggest something and have the rest of the world consider it as an unspoken threat to humanity. In an age of micro-technology, splinter-cells, viruses and micro-piglets its good to know that someone still thinks bigger is better when it comes to scarring the shit out of everybody. Soon, Abramovich, governor of the sparsely populated Chukotka region in Russia's Far East, will own the world's largest drill.The acquisition was announced in Moscow this march by Mr. 
Abramovich's construction firm Infrastruktura. Even the Russian bear of a company can't handle the fabrication of such a huge piece of machinery. But, who better to turn to for behemoth machinery than the Germans. They have a long history of sporting ein steife for the absurdly large. Remember WWII? I don't, but here's a huge Spikehead cannon. Gustav Krupp built this to please his masters or perhaps to compensate for his E.D.
Abramovich's construction firm Infrastruktura. Even the Russian bear of a company can't handle the fabrication of such a huge piece of machinery. But, who better to turn to for behemoth machinery than the Germans. They have a long history of sporting ein steife for the absurdly large. Remember WWII? I don't, but here's a huge Spikehead cannon. Gustav Krupp built this to please his masters or perhaps to compensate for his E.D.
The entire gun with its carriage weighed 1350 metric tons. The complete machine stood 4 stories tall, over 20 feet wide, and 140 feet long. "Dora" required twin parallel railway tracks to run on and about 1000 roadies (still 10% less than the Rolling Stones last tour).
Back to the drill. The German-made drill is 19 meters (63 ft) wide, making it the biggest in the world. It dwarfs its nearest rival, a 15 meter Chinese drill being used for the Yan
gtze tunnel. Tee-hee. Oh god, it's not often I get to strengthen racial stereotypes, use penis jokes and phallic symbols in one paragraph...oh savor the moment...yes, a little longer...okay. The drill, which will take German firm Herrenknecht AG two years to build will cost 160 million USD.
gtze tunnel. Tee-hee. Oh god, it's not often I get to strengthen racial stereotypes, use penis jokes and phallic symbols in one paragraph...oh savor the moment...yes, a little longer...okay. The drill, which will take German firm Herrenknecht AG two years to build will cost 160 million USD.So what does the Chelsea boss and his cronies plan on doing with the biggest drill the world has ever seen besides making people feel unsafe? Johnson Empires' expert analysts have come up with three likely scenarios.
1) He needs it in the construction of his own Technodrome.
2) Project Vulcan. Ugh...you know, hijack a nuclear warhead and hold the world ransom. This, gentlemen of the UN, is the world's most powerful subterranean drill...so powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead into the planet's hot liquid core. Upon detonation every volcano on the planet will erupt.3) Tunnel to America! Speculation is abound. Russian and British newspaper have all been jabbering about like high-school girls in the locker room. Apparently, some insider has leaked information and he/she/it has gone to the press, "[A Tunnel to America] is one of Putin's dream projects and he has already had secret talks with Washington about it," claimed the insider. "He sees Russia as the hub of the world and want s Europe to transport its goods, as well as his own, across his country to the U.S."
But why indeed? We can only speculate. When asked, Abramovich denied the claims. But Roman is infamous for misleading the public. He once publicly claimed he had no intentions of separating from his wife...right before getting a divorce. Surprise, bitch! Not telling us why he wants the biggest drill in the world, however, has earned him the respect of us here at Empires and secured him a place on our list. The reason Richard Branson isn't on our list isn't because he is not insanely rich and powerful, (he is!) but its because nobody is afraid of a giant hot-air balloon. Except maybe the autistic kid who lives across the street, but in fairness Trevor is also frequently seen eating crayons.
In conclusion, I must issue a warm welcome to our first member and a stern warning to the public: when a chillingly creepy Russian oil tycoon says "screw you," he might just...
Further reading:
Russia Today
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